Linda Arbiter, MA, MFT - Building healthy relationships one day at a time!
ANGER MANAGEMENT SKILLS.
Anger is a normal human emotion.  Everyone expresses anger differently.  When expressed in a healthy manner, anger can protect us.  However, many people have never learned to express their anger in an appropriate, healthy fashion.  Some people stuff their anger. Others explode with rage. For still others, anger is a chronic, underlying condition.   Anger is frequently worn as a mask to hide pain and fear (our human vulnerabilities)
 
Anger is a tricky emotion, difficult to use well until you learn how.
 
 
               Below is a list of 10 basic anger styles…
                                             see if you can recognize your style…
 
 Sneaky Anger:Often referred to as “sideways angers” or “passive aggressive anger”, sneaky anger seems to come from nowhere…it often look like forgetfulness, lack of follow through and can be frustrating to those around the angry person.
 
Paranoid Anger:  People with Paranoid anger give their anger away. They think everybody else is angry instead of acknowledging their own rage.  People who disguise their anger as paranoid anger often spend much time jealously guarding and defending what they think is theirs - the love of a partner (real or imagined), their money, or their valuables.
 
Sudden Anger:   People who express anger as “sudden rage” enjoy  a surge of power. They discharge all their feelings  and can feel satisfied and relieved.  However, the loss of control is a major problem for others frequently resulting in emotional or physical abuse. Most people who  engage in sudden anger do things they later regret, but by then it's too late to take them back.
 
Deliberate Anger:  Deliberate anger is used by bullies to control others.  Power and control are gained by threatening or overpowering others.
 
Moral Anger:  Moral anger commonly manifests as the right to defend a "belief." People with this anger style feel outraged about what “bad” people are doing and claim moral superiority. They assert that anger is for a good and justified cause. They don't feel guilty when they get angry and frequently feel superior to others.
Anger Avoidance:  Anger avoiders gain the sense that being good or nice helps them feel safe and calm.  Most anger avoiders are afraid of their anger and afraid of losing control.
 
Addictive Anger: Some people enjoy the emotional “rush” or “high” that comes with an outburst of rage. Anger addicts feel alive and full of energy when in the midst of an outburst. As with other forms of addiction, the anger numbs or masks the other feelings. Anger addicts often pick fights just to get high on anger. As their tolerance for anger increases, anger addicts need more intensity to feel the same relief.  Rage and violence witnessed in domestic violence frequently falls in this category.
 
Shame based Anger:  People who need a lot of attention and/or are very sensitive to criticism often develop this style of anger. The slightest criticism sets off their own shame which in turn sets off their own feelings of inadequacy.  They get rid of their shame by blaming, criticizing, and ridiculing others.  Persons who experience shame based anger avoid their own feelings of inadequacy by shaming others.
 
Habitual Anger: Habitually angry people find themselves getting angry often, usually about small things that don't bother others. They wake up grumpy. They go through the day looking for fights. They look for the worst in everything and everybody. They usually go to bed angry about something.
  
Hate: Unresolved anger turns to hate.   Hate is a hardened anger. Haters often obsess about ways to  punish the OFFENDER and may even act on that hate. These people feel they are innocent victims.
 
 
Healthy Anger
People who use anger well recognize that anger masks their more vulnerable feelings. They are acquainted with emotional intimacy and may choose to share their vulnerabilities with others. They think of anger in the following characteristic ways:
  • Anger is a normal part of life
  • Anger is an accurate signal of real problems in a person's life
  • Angry actions are screened carefully; you needn't automatically get angry just because you could
  • Anger is expressed in moderation so there is no loss of control
  • The goal is to solve the problems, not just to express anger
  • Anger is clearly stated in ways that others can understand
  • Anger is temporary. It can be relinquished once an issue is resolved
When you practice good anger skills, you never need to use your anger as an excuse. You can take responsibility for what you say and do, even when you are mad.  The more you know about your personal anger style(s), the more control you will have over your life.  
 
 
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